How to “NOT” Follow Covid-19 Guidelines

Matthew Hilliard, Author

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How to NOT Follow Covid-19 Guidelines                          

We all know that there are a lot of Covid-19 Guidelines to follow in this day and age. From social distancing, to wearing masks or staying at home, there are many scrupulous tasks that must be followed to keep everyone safe. This far into the pandemic, we already know how to keep the virus out, and which rules are deemed to keep us safe, so instead, this article is going to tell you how to BREAK THEM. Don’t be a communist sheep, and DON’T follow Covid-19 regulations! 

DISCLAIMER: This article is purely a joke, so please don’t take any bit of it seriously. Make sure you are wearing a mask and follow the social distancing guidelines. Stay safe!

Step 1: How to NOT Wear a Mask

This is the easiest step in disregarding Covid guidelines: not wearing a mask. There are many ways you can go about this, pictured below:

Now: if you are TOLD that you have to wear a mask by someone, there are some ways you can circumnavigate their request. Here are a few tricks you can use:

  • “Let me finish eating” 
    • Always keep a cheeseburger or other large food item on hand. Whenever someone tells you to put on a mask, just pull out your tasty snack and say, “Well let me finish eating first!” 
  • “I have a medical issue”
    • This one is very easy. If someone tells you to wear a mask, just tell them you have a medical condition that prevents you from wearing one. Ideas for medical issues you can come up with are:
      • Face claustrophobia
      • Allergy to safety
      • Smoker
    • The possibilities are endless when it comes to this, and the world is your oyster.   (If you do have a real medical condition it’s different, this is just making fun of people who are clearly coming up with fake conditions just to not wear a mask)
  • “You are violating my constitutional rights!”
    • If all else fails, go with ol’ faithful. This trick works as a last resort when people still tell you to be a decent human being. What you need to do is conjure all of the anger and hate inside of you onto the unsuspecting essential worker who is trying their best to cooperate with you. Scream things like, “This is a violation of my rights!”, “Jesus will not forgive you, you must repent!”, or, “It doesn’t even do anything, sheep!”. You can pick from this catalog of options, which will never grow stale no matter how much you use them, or conjure up your own incantations. 

Step 2: How to NOT Social Distance

         This step is also very easy to follow, and there is one main thing to follow when NOT social distancing. Get as close to people as you possibly can. If you are sitting next to someone on the subway, scooch a little closer to them. If you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, breathe down the neck of the person in front of you. Whenever the chance arises for you to get close to people, take it. If you notice that the person you are creeping up on is beginning to become uncomfortable, that means you’re doing your job right. Leave no room for Jesus, only germs. Also, don’t be afraid of touching. As much as possible, always try and touch people. They may try to shake you off, or get away from you, but if they run away chase after them. Do whatever you can to spread your love, or germs, through excessive physical contact with strangers. A demonstrational video is shown below:

Step 3: How to NOT Follow Miscellaneous Covid-19 Guidelines 

         There are a few ways to NOT follow Covid guidelines that don’t really fit into their larger categories, so they are detailed here:

  • If you are eating food with somebody, make sure you spit in, lick, or just touch their food
  • Just start randomly coughing in public places
  • Release a hoard of Covid-positive bats on an unsuspecting crowd of people
  • Get Covid, and travel from country to country (if you aren’t on the no fly list), going to all of the biggest tourist attractions around the world, following all of the rules detailed in this article 

Student Thoughts

         These were the three main steps on how to completely disregard Covid-19 guidelines, with an in depth description of how to exactly follow all of them. So, let’s see how the students here at Sheridan use these steps. I asked a few students here at Sheridan all the same, simple question: “How do you NOT follow Covid-19 guidelines?.” Here are their responses. (This question was perceived in different ways, either the interviewee answered it for how the general public doesn’t follow guidelines, or their own personal accounts of how they don’t follow them sometimes).

Jack Nichols – Freshman – 15: “I do everything the school tells me right? I don’t think I don’t. Well sometimes I’ll bring it below my nose when I’m in class, when you’re in the weight room you’ll take it down.”

Lorenzo Carpico – Freshman: “By not wearing a mask.” Short and sweet.

Trinity Nobles – Sophomore: (this is purely satire) “I really enjoy hanging out with as many people as I can! And just for fun we always make sure to drink from the same cup. Also I’ve learned masks are really hard to breathe in so instead I just rap some mesh around my face and call it a day! Also, wearing a mask below your nose makes breathing so much easier. Who cares if you kill someone’s grandmother or your friend who has problems with their immune system, survival of the fittest am I right?”

Megan Lanning – Sophomore: “To not follow guidelines you don’t wear your mask, go to parties, and go out all the time.”

Aria Black – Junior: “Doing this” She said as she shoved her shoulder into me.

Macey Ranck – Junior: “During lunch my friends and I scoot our chairs closer to each other even though we know we shouldn’t. But considering the tables aren’t six feet apart, it doesn’t even matter. If the tables were properly social distanced I feel we would be more cautious and take social distancing more seriously during lunch.”

Larrel Dailey – Senior: “If it’s really hot I’ll pull my mask below my face to breathe a little better.”

Kirstyn Gray – Senior: “The people that I spend the most time with…I hug them sometimes, which I probably shouldn’t do. People stay at my house sometimes, and that probably shouldn’t happen. I work at a place where no one wears a mask, but I wear my mask, so technically I’m following guidelines, but it’s still not safe. In show choir I have a really bad fitting mask that flies off all the time, and I have to put it back on.”

Please remember that this article is solely a joke. Do not take any of this seriously, and please do not actually follow any of these steps. Remember to wear your mask properly, social distance, and respect all other Covid guidelines. This is a tough time for everyone and we can only get out of it if everyone works together to try and put a stop to it.